Back to work. My vacation is over, and, crap, I’m back at work. I stop in the kitchen at work to get some coffee. That’s the only thing that keeps me awake at this boring-as-hell job. My job uses something like one brain cell. It is so beneath me. At my job, I’m like a car with only one cylinder firing. Or something like that, whatever.
“Welcome back. How was the coast? That’s where you went, the coast?” Rick says. He’s this guy I work with. He’s OK, not too annoying. He’s reading the paper and drinking coffee.
Continue reading “Mustache”
My wife Jordan is goofing around at home when she decides to paint my fingernails, which probably seems pretty strange. I say OK because I’m not doing much besides watching Entertainment Tonight. So there she goes and paints my nails.
Continue reading “Walgreens”
We’re thinking about swimming. We’re all standing around the pool looking at each other. It’s a game of wills: Which employees will crack first and actually expose their sorry-ass bodies to us, their supportive coworkers? Probably Jim in sales will be first. Then that receptionist who comes in on Thursdays.
Continue reading “Please No Swimming during Corporate Swim Fun ’10”
Bill sat at his desk and renamed files on the company server. He had to rename five hundred thousand files in various directories and was almost done.
Bill’s boss, John, entered Bill’s cubicle. “We’re downsizing, Bill. So this is your last day,” he said.
Continue reading “Downsizing”
It was Tuesday, January 29, 2008. I was on American Airlines 2361. The plane sat on the tarmac at O’Hare International. The temperature outside hovered around six degrees Fahrenheit. The sky was overcast with a ceiling of 5,000 feet. The flight was delayed by two hours because of snow, blowing snow, and freezing fog. Visibility was one-half mile.
Continue reading “Cookies”
“Where are all of the butter knives?” he said. He stood in the kitchen and looked at the utensil organizer in the drawer.
“I don’t know. We only have three now,” she said. “You’ve probably been throwing them away.”
Continue reading “Something to Talk About”
As I approached the bus stop, I noticed a large crowd standing on the sidewalk. I hated crowds, so I felt apprehensive. I felt the urge to turn around and leave.
They stood around staring at something that lay on the sidewalk. They were mesmerized. I couldn’t see what it was until I was almost on top of it. It was a penis—a real human penis. They were staring at a penis that lay on the sidewalk. A crow landed nearby and started pecking at the penis.
Continue reading “Crowd”
From: Ted Johns
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 10:55 AM
To: Regional Sales and Marketing Team; DIGDOP Business Leadership Team; XCR Leads All; Solutions Gurus; Ninja Marketing Leadership Team; Bob Wendle
Subject: RE: Bob Wendle becomes new Divisional Sales VP
Continue reading “Executive Leadership Promotions/Changes”
It was ten years ago, in 2010 at Thanksgiving. We were sitting there enjoying our turkey and mashed potatoes when Grandpa (who just turned seventy) let loose with the vilest monologue ever heard. It was as if an entire lifetime of filth just came pouring out from his mouth, as if someone had directed the sewer pipe into our dining room. And we all just sat there while raw sewage poured over us. It was as if he’d been plugged into some collective filth pool and was draining it into our dining room. Sewage poured over my new dress, the one Mom bought me for Thanksgiving, the one she bought to make Grandpa happy. “He’s been so sad since Grandma died,” she said. “Maybe seeing you looking nice will make him happy.”
Continue reading “Thanksgiving Surprise”